Perning or letting go - resilience for children

I can not anymore!

"I don't want to do homework!" "I don't want to go to school." "I can't take this anymore." "I can't." "I don't want to meet the new people." "I don't want to take the exam." "I don't feel like doing sports."

We encounter these and similar statements from our children every day. Often, we react on autopilot—perhaps we even respond the way our parents did to us. We try to handle the situation well, to end the conflict. Our first impression may even be that the children just want to rebel, and we're trying to maintain control somehow.

We answer:

"Well, you have to." "Life isn't always what you want it to be." "I'm sorry, you just have to go through it." "No, there's no such thing here." "I had to do that back then, too. It's completely normal."

Internally, many parents vacillate like a lifeline between supposed empathy for their child, societal, economic, and social pressure, and their own feelings of guilt: You know the drill. How often do we, as adults, think: "I wish I didn't have to live like this anymore. Unbearable. Such a mess."

But what's it really about? Many children—and parents too—ask themselves in such moments: What's going on here? Is it their inner demons that need to be overcome? Do they just have to get through it, do they have to do things they don't want to do, is it just a matter of desire or dislike? At what points is it important to listen to the child (and themselves) and accept a no, and where is it the order of the day to persevere and not avoid an unpleasant situation?

Pressure or challenge

The key lies in assessing the situation. This requires considering many different aspects of the interaction:

• What growth phase is the child in?
• Is this condition permanent, does it repeat itself?
• What's the real issue? Is the child simply reluctant to get up in the morning, or is he or she afraid of something? Is the resistance emotional, or is it a more superficial pleasure-seeking issue?
• Can the child grow and mature from the situation – or is he or she exposed to pressure that diminishes and depresses his or her personality?

Not only for children, but also for ourselves, the question always arises: What will happen if I persevere? What will be the outcome? Is what I've pushed myself through the eye of the needle for serving me? Or am I just persevering to conform to a certain standard? Do I really want to achieve this goal myself? Or, as parents think for their children:

Is this inner struggle serving my child's growth? Can I encourage and support them? Or is they struggling for the sake of a concept that might not be a good fit for us?

In this process, it can be helpful to examine your own feelings of guilt that have arisen due to unfulfilled expectations of yourself or others.To whom do I feel guilty? What do I feel I've failed to do? Who would benefit if I endured this situation? Do I feel like I'm growing bigger inside? Or is everything inside me shrinking down?

Once we, as adults, have figured out what's going on with us and have initially separated these feelings from the child's experience, we can approach the child's resistance with sensitivity and empathy. We sense whether they are testing their limits or whether it's necessary for us to stand up for them and reinforce their refusal.

Values ​​help

To find a clear stance as a family regarding the challenges we want to face, it's good to have a shared, healthy set of values. Children need our values, our inner clarity, and a clear standpoint. They want and need to challenge themselves and reflect on them. This way, they can embrace what gives them strength and reject what doesn't suit them.

If we as parents do not represent values ​​and waver back and forth, the children will find no point of orientation.

With the help of our values, we can offer our children a guiding hand as they overcome hurdles. We can offer perspective and address children's intrinsic motivation to persevere—or simply to stick with their "no." It's important for children to learn to face challenges and emerge more mature by overcoming them. But this is only possible if they develop a sense of "why?" Depending on their age, they may not be able to consciously force this and thus motivate themselves, but parents can do this for them: The children then inexplicably sense the clear stance of their family and social group and experience encouragement throughout the challenge.

Pressure arises when a person is required to do something that contradicts their core being and whose meaning provides no added value. Moreover, if a requirement violates a person's integrity, the challenge no longer becomes a healthy environment for growth, but rather a damaging one.

Values ​​that guide us say: This is why you can stay in this situation and influence it. You are important. This moment is an opportunity and serves your life path. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Rather, it's about acting on your identity as a person worthy of being true to yourself.

Questioning

Finally, we have a responsibility to continually question our values: Do they still serve the next generation? Is it time to let go of something that may have served us well back then but has become obsolete today? Do we want to grow alongside our children and take their refusal as an opportunity to take on a challenge ourselves? How can we stay connected with our children so that they become capable of recognizing challenges for themselves and exposing moments of pressure that aren't good for us through a clear stance?

Resilience develops when challenges that are part of who we are and that fit with us are mastered. Everyone has their own playing field within this, and we must always remind ourselves that not everyone faces the same hurdles as we do. Children can also learn to recognize this in each other. This creates a strong community that recognizes individuality as just as important as adaptability through healthy friction and personal growth.

If you would like to learn more about family and pregnancy, mindfulness, nutrition or sustainability, Check out more exciting blog articles on these topics here.

AUTHOR: SARAH ACKER