Learning to love yourself – tips & Exercises

Self-love – a big topic. Many of us have to learn what it means to love ourselves over the course of our lives. How I managed to cultivate self-love – and how loving myself has changed my life.

Everyone always talks about self-love, but what does that actually mean?

I believe that everyone has their own understanding of what it means to love themselves. However, there are also “official” definitions. According to Wikipedia For example, self-love, or self-love, refers to “the all-encompassing acceptance of oneself in the form of an unconditional love for oneself. The term is related, but not entirely synonymous, with terms such as self-acceptance, self-respect, self-care, self-confidence, and self-worth.”

Intuitively, I would also say that self-love has a lot to do with self-esteem, acceptance of oneself and also self-confidence.

Unfortunately, some people find it much easier to love others than themselves. Why is this? Perhaps it's because we know no one better than ourselves? That we spend every second of our lives in our own company and therefore know both the good and the bad sides of ourselves?

But why don't we love ourselves unconditionally from birth? Like mothers and fathers do in the best of cases? I definitely think that we love ourselves unconditionally in childhood. While we don't yet have an explicit understanding of such a construct, we never question whether we are worthy of being loved. We knowledgethat we are. Only through learning experiences and critical situations do we develop beliefs and subjective "truths" that make us doubt ourselves and our worth. This often continues into adulthood.

By the way, self-love does not mean the same as Self-loveSelf-love is more about accepting who we are—with all our strengths and weaknesses. Self-love, on the other hand, tends to be about overestimating, idealizing, and glorifying one's own person.

What happens if we don’t (can’t) love ourselves?

Low self-esteem, self-confidence, or a lack of self-acceptance put many obstacles in our way. We feel insecure, anxious, and lack confidence in ourselves. We don't allow ourselves to live the life we ​​actually want to live.

If we don't like ourselves, it can even lead to serious psychological problems such as depression or anxiety. We feel helpless, at the mercy of others, and think we can't change our own situation.

If you recognize yourself or a loved one in these descriptions, it may be helpful to seek professional help, for example from a therapist. Further information on dealing with (acute) depression can be found, for example, at German Depression Help.

What we think about ourselves forms a large part of our identity. Our self-image also plays a significant role in how we interact with others. For example, we can value others more if we also value ourselves.

For a completely fulfilling life and long-term mental well-being, it's essential to learn to love yourself. As I said, this isn't about always feeling perfect and amazing—it's about liking yourself just the way you are.

How can I learn and develop self-love?

Over the past few years, I've made some serious strides toward self-love. Today, I can say, "I'm fine with myself, just the way I am." About five years ago, I would have frowned upon such a statement and wouldn't have dared to even think it. I was most of the time quite dissatisfied with myself and thought I was a burden to everyone around me. Those weren't good times, and I'm glad that something has changed in these thoughts and feelings about myself.

I'd like to share with you the things that have helped me most on my journey toward more self-love. So that you, too, can (re)discover how amazing you really are. ❤️

1. Connect with your heart and your inner voice

It sounds so simple. But it's not that easy to listen to your heart, to your inner voice, to your intuition.

My entire life, I listened to what other people wanted from me. How society expected me to be. I turned all other voices up to full volume in order to fit in. To be a good person. To be loved. What was completely lost in the process: my own voice. Whenever I had to make a decision, I always asked everyone else first what they would advise me. I always put other people's opinions above my own.

In my early 20s, I realized that I couldn't base my entire life on other people. I asked myself who I really was, who I wanted to be, and what my opinions were. I didn't know the answers to any of these questions.
Nevertheless, I knew I had to start listening to my intuition again and find my own voice again. Because ultimately, only I know what's right and best for me.

The voice of your heart and your intuition are almost never wrong. You just have to be able to hear these inner voices. Turn them up a bit. Because that's the only way you'll ultimately get where you belong. If you only listen to the voices of others, you'll never be completely happy.

Practical tip:

Pause every now and then in your daily life and try to notice what your heart is telling you. Inner voices don't always have to "speak" to you; sensations like a queasy stomach or a warm feeling around your heart can also give you clues about what you're actually feeling and thinking. Especially when decisions need to be made.

It's not uncommon for it to take some time to become aware of your inner voice again. Journaling exercises and self-reflection questions can also help you find your inner voice.

2.Discover and develop your strengths, talents and skills

The second change that made a big difference in my life: I began to focus on my strengths, talents, and resources. It's always easy for us to list things we're "bad" at or struggle with. But what about all the things we're really good at—our talents and abilities? We often don't even notice them or take them for granted.

Every person has strengths and a unique toolbox of resources. What does this mean? Every time we overcome a challenging situation, we gain experience. We develop strategies for success and learn from it.

How do you gain access to these very individual resources, strengths and abilities?

First, you can consciously reflect on yourself, for example, with questions like: What do other people appreciate about me? How did I overcome situation x? What did I do, and how did I handle it? What am I good at? What do I enjoy doing? ...

Then it can also be very helpful to ask other people about it. After all, they see you in a different, often more appreciative light than you probably see yourself. What defines you? What do they appreciate about you? What are you particularly good at? What do other people see as your talents? What makes you unique?

Write down all these things. And then pursue them. Celebrate them, acknowledge them, be proud of yourself and your strengths! If you find something you're good at and that brings you joy at the same time, then there's hardly anything standing in the way of your happiness.

Loving yourself means appreciating yourself for what makes you who you are. For everything you're good at. Because every person on this earth has unique strengths, talents, and abilities. Find yours.

3. Allow yourself to feel and give your emotions space

This point was crucial for my personal development. I changed my perspective on my own emotions and how I deal with them.

I have to say that I am a very emotional and truly sensitive person. I always viewed this emotionality as a weakness. After all, we are (sadly) taught from a young age that tears are a sign of weakness. That emotionality (especially in women) means insecurity or incompetence. Today I know that's not true. I always see other people's open handling of emotions as a strength. Being able to show oneself vulnerable is an incredible gift. So why shouldn't I acknowledge my emotionality as well?

Hiding, suppressing, or bottling up our emotions until they burst out can be very stressful. It makes us feel bad; we think we're overreacting to a situation, or that we're weak. We also tend to identify with our emotions. We often think things like, "I'm a sad person," "My life is a tragedy," etc.

We forget that emotions are a completely natural part of the human experience. They come and go. We are not our emotions, we feel They may be a part of us, but they never make us whole.

Practical tip:

So instead of becoming one with our emotions, we should observe them, accept them, let them be there, and then let them go again. Try to acknowledge your emotions as a natural, completely human experience. Say to yourself, "I'm feeling sad right now because x happened."/"X makes me sad," not "I'm sad." Allow yourself to feel the emotion; let it be there. Whatever comes up, it's okay. It's human. But stop giving your emotions complete power over you. You are so much more than what you're feeling right now.

What can also help is processing your emotions physically. Let them out. Dance, sing, scream, punch a pillow, write your heart out... Whatever helps you release the energies, do it. Just please make sure no one else gets hurt. ;-)

A few words in conclusion

To summarize the most important point:

You are worthy of love. Simply because you are a human being. That alone is enough.

You are more than your thoughts and your emotions.

You are good just the way you are.

– I hope that you will be able to realize all of this for yourself someday. ✨💕

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Photo by Jonas Vincent on Unsplash