– Here you can find part 1 of the blog article –

A new way of asking questions

So the “why?” is the magic question.

How is this supposed to work in practice? If my child is in the middle of a tantrum and I'm lying in bed with a headache, it doesn't matter whether I ask "Why?" or "What for?"

Yes, that's true. It's incredibly challenging to establish a new approach in the midst of a storm. Strictly speaking, it's not even possible.

True change occurs in our thinking and in whether we become aware of what's going on. Therefore, the real work isn't to be done in the conflict situation itself, but much further ahead—in the encounter with ourselves.

The key to change lies in this place within you. No matter which family member is exhibiting the abusive behavior, the situation will change if you change, because as a family member, you contribute significantly to the overall atmosphere.

Do you remember how I Part 1 Did I mention that with every new person in the family, a whole new world is added?

You, too, are a world of your own. Just as in nature, a small insect meadow makes a huge difference to the entire surrounding ecosystem, so you make a difference in your family.

Your “why?”

I now invite you to take some time to explore your own goals in conflict-laden situations. There's no need to critically question anything at first, but remember that our goals always aim to make us feel valued, accepted, and loved. This need cannot be condemned.

So, you're welcome to joyfully and curiously, without any pressure, venture into your inner self and observe: What's going on inside me when I withdraw during an argument with my partner or react and scream in a conflict with my children? Why am I screaming? To scare my children or to escalate the situation?

Definitely not. I'm screaming to put an end to the situation because it's overwhelming me and I actually want peace. I'm screaming to feel empowered again, to regain control.

Because deep down, I believe that if I lose control, I'm worthless as a mother/father, I'm not fit to earn the respect and esteem of my children. Maybe I'm even unlovable because they can't look up to me?

Now, it's undeniable that retreating or shouting won't achieve the desired result. This is why it leaves everyone involved feeling so dissatisfied, and the situation becomes increasingly unbearable.

So why do we continue to pursue unhelpful behaviors? Here, too, we need to investigate further: Perhaps I simply haven't learned a new strategy yet. Perhaps the old one was passed on to me from my own parents, and it became a habit.

At such a point, we are faced with the truly joyful task of adapting our behavior to our inner goal so that this goal can be achieved and everyone involved can experience that the family dynamic can change in a satisfactory and pleasant direction.

The practice

Once we become aware of these previously unconscious inner processes, we gradually become more aware of our own behavior even in critical situations, and over time, through practice, we learn to remember our purpose and to breathe deeply:

What did I want again? Oh yes, I want to be seen, understood, and loved. Instead, I'm turning around and leaving the room. That won't get me where I want to be.

But what if I am still so deeply emotionally conflicted that I don't feel capable of acting differently?

Maybe a compromise will help: I ​​turn to my partner and say, "I don't feel seen. I can't talk right now. But I'll come back in a minute and try to explain myself again. Are you waiting for me?"

This is just a small insight into the possibilities that arise from a changed question.

In keeping with the cover picture, it remains to be said:

What brings us closer together as a family is, at its core, our passion for the idea of ​​family, the intimacy this constellation can offer, our desire for belonging within a group, and the love and support we can experience when our dynamics change. When we as a family share a common goal to experience and benefit from these blessings of shared life, our passion for it drives us forward.

The process can and should be a joyful one. The more we remember the treasures of family life, the more we can create a sense of togetherness that sees others more as part of the same team.

Would you like to know more?

You will find what you are looking for and gain deeper insight in Alfred Adler's Individual Psychology and the books "Children Challenge Us" and "Fundamentals of Individual Psychology" by Rudolf Dreikurs.

If you would like to learn more about family, pregnancy, mindfulness, nutrition or sustainability, take a look here over.

AUTHOR: SARAH ACKER