The art of giving the child, which you never had yourself

What is it that turns young people into parents?

Ever since I had children myself, I've been asking myself: When do we truly become parents? What does it mean to fully embrace this role? How does parenthood connect to one's own history as a child? Can I only pass on what I myself have received? What if it's not enough? What if my child has needs that I can't meet with the resources I have myself?

The definition of true, healthy parenting is so diverse, culturally, historically, and socially determined, that we can't really make a universally valid statement about what one actually needs to DO to be a good parent. Even the countless advice books in the Western world disagree on so many things. So it can't be about always behaving "right" and raising the child in a very specific way, can it? If I apply the standard of right and wrong, I can only lose and never be a true parent.

For me, the title of this article describes the most profound dilemma we face as parents every day. None of us ever received everything we needed as a child to grow up completely healthy and fulfilled. The saying "no one gets through childhood unscathed" therefore contains a profound, albeit painful, truth.

And despite all this: Since time immemorial, parents all over the world have given everything they have and often more to close the gaps and let their children grow up healthy and happy.

We read self-help books and share ideas with others. We learn and practice, putting our own needs aside. We struggle with a bad conscience and feelings of guilt. We get up every day to try again. The love for our children drives us to never give up.

Helping to create children's future

We, too, have experienced what it means when our parents can't provide everything our souls have needed. Most people struggle with what they lacked throughout their adult lives. It makes us who we are.

How can we help break the constant transmission of the same patterns and hurts from generation to generation? How can you give a child what you yourself have not received? What is the invisible source that can conjure up a "miracle"?

An important aspect is our focus: What we focus on grows. So concentrate on what you have been given, not on what you are missing! Even if you were in a truly miserable situation as a child, it can be extremely helpful today to remember things that sustained you. If it was just one day in a whole year that did you good, remember it as often as you can. That one handshake from a friend, that loving look from your father, the lovingly delicious meal from your mother... it can be a real ray of light in your life. Decide to give this small sequence significant meaning. And: Always remind yourself that your parents' lack is also that of their own inner children. It wasn't your fault. Just as it isn't your child's fault today if you can't offer something.

Also, connect with the deepest source of your empathy. Recall your own experiences while simultaneously realizing that your child is someone completely different today than you were back then.This way, you can simultaneously empathize and take new paths of thought that lead away from your past and toward your child's future:

empathy

When you observe your child, who do you think they want to be? Today, and in the future? What are the differences between their personality and yours? Where do you have similarities? How can you best support them?

What can help you: Be present and listen with your heart. These two tools are probably the most difficult of all the things parents deal with in their daily lives. But it's worth practicing: As a guideline, you can start by simply concentrating on giving your child your full attention and ear for ten minutes a day. Feel your breath, feel your feet on the ground, and actively participate in what your child tells you. This way, you'll simultaneously satisfy a basic need and get to know your child's soul better and more deeply. You can be with your child more and more instead of projecting your own feelings onto them, and in doing so, perhaps even soften your own trigger feelings like pressure and suffering in the process. I know: We often didn't get presence and attention from our parents. To support you a little here, I have a special tip for you, a crucial point.

But before that, I want to address one important point: community. Get other people on board. As a single person, you can never meet all of your child's needs. Some things may simply not be inherent in you, others are buried deep and need time to be brought back to the surface. Still others may simply be beyond your control and must automatically be fulfilled by someone else. Your child is desperate to play the piano, but you're completely unmusical and don't have the money to pay for lessons? Get creative! Who could make this dream of nurturing their musical talent come true for your child?

The crux of the matter

This is where the miracle lies: you grow beyond yourself.

Here's an example: Perhaps you didn't get enough physical contact as a child. The need for touch is one of the most fundamental for healthy development. Now you may notice that you're struggling to fully meet this need in your child. You're struggling with the consequences of your own lack of touch, feeling uncomfortable and insecure, lacking warmth or the ability to fully connect with your child through touch and provide a sense of security.

How could you? Your own cells can't remember, making it difficult to pass on. But there's a wonderful trick for countless of these "deficiencies": We can imagine what it would be like if we had received all of this ourselves, or were receiving it today. With plenty of time, love, and patience, we can show ourselves and allow ourselves to feel what it's like to be fulfilled in it.

Admittedly, it is a painful process of reflection at times, but just knowing that it is fundamentally possible makes the goal seem within reach.

Step by step, you will come closer to yourself and, on your own healing journey, you will be able to meet your child's needs in a way that will have a lasting impact on both your story and your child's.

Last but not least: Don't let yourself be pressured by superficial needs: Does your child absolutely want this or that consumer product? They only want to eat sweets or stay up until ten o'clock? You can relax: Giving in to everything is not what truly satisfies needs. Behind the "I want" lies a much deeper "I need," which the child is usually not even aware of. Your task is to uncover this "I need" and address the deeper, genuine need.

If you would like to learn more about healthy eating, mindfulness or sustainability, Check out more exciting blog articles on these topics here.