A conversation with myself-about doubts, fears and negative thoughts during the Corona crisis

This post is probably my most personal blog entry here so far. It's an internal dialogue, the kind I've been experiencing so often lately. And because I'm sure I'm not alone in my thoughts, I wanted to share them with you. So that perhaps you, too, won't feel quite so alone anymore.

The situation

I'm sitting at my desk in my old childhood bedroom in my parents' house. Three months ago, I temporarily moved back here after successfully completing my bachelor's degree in another city. What was supposed to be an exciting time with lots of travel, new experiences, and all sorts of plans for the future has suddenly turned into a monotonous time with no travel, few new experiences, and a tossed-up future plans. The reason: the coronavirus.

Since the beginning of the quarantine, I have at least cleared out my room and renovated it a bit (who has done that up to now? not done?) and gave my cat more cuddles than ever before – but that felt like it was it. That's not entirely true, of course; I've done a whole lot more, but I still feel increasingly useless and lacking energy. For the past few days, the same thoughts have been running through my head, and I seem to be having the same debate with myself day after day. It usually starts with me catching myself moaning to myself about everything that's not possible right now and how sad it is that 2020 is looking so different than planned:

"You're angry and sad; okay. But look at how well you're doing. Other people have it much harder; on top of all the stress, they also have to take care of their children or are facing a financial crisis. Other people go to work every day and put themselves directly in danger; they have no choice or are even happy to be a helper. Students are being sent back to school even though the situation hasn't improved much, entire cities are economically devastated because of the lack of tourism, people are losing their jobs... And you sit here and feel sorry for yourself, even though you're actually doing so well.

On the other hand, there are ALWAYS people worse off than you, but there's no point in beating yourself up about it. Being angry at yourself won't get you anywhere. Quite the opposite, in fact. Maintaining a positive mindset is one of the most important resources you have right now."

And while I know what I'm thinking is true, I start beating myself up again for not being able to stay positive. As you can see, in moments like these I find myself in a highly destructive thought cycle – one that gets me absolutely nowhere. Thinking, reflecting, questioning: All of that is good. But too much of it is usually not beneficial.

Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash

“So what can I do?”

The question of all questions. Is there a right or wrong here? Perhaps more sensible and less so. Or, to put it as objectively as possible: There are a whole range of things I can do. One option is to push my thoughts away from me so I don't have to deal with them any further.For example, by letting myself be distracted by YouTube videos. Or an audiobook. Another option would be to talk to someone about my thoughts. But then I'd immediately feel like I had to explain or justify myself. I could also go outside and take a walk. Or exercise. But that's just too exhausting for me right now. Yet another option would be to do nothing and continue sitting around, letting my thoughts wander...

Hmm, that doesn't sound ideal. So I do what I always do when I'm stuck: meditate. I choose a guided meditation on "anxiety and stress" in the "Insight Timer" app and try to immerse myself in it as best I can.

Twenty minutes later, I'm already feeling considerably better. Meditation has helped me let my thoughts be there without judging them. Now, my head is noticeably quieter. That feels good. At the same time, I feel the need to let my thoughts flow freely, to "say them out" somehow. I sit down at my desk, open Google Drive, and start typing. What did I ultimately come up with? This.

And I honestly can't believe how much better I feel now that I've just put everything down on paper. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It's amazing what an impact a non-judgmental examination of one's own thoughts can have.

Of course, my worries, fears, and doubts surrounding the coronavirus haven't vanished into thin air. But I do feel significantly more organized, less burdened, and more relaxed. My anger has dissipated. And if I catch myself stuck in the same cycle of thoughts tomorrow, I'll accept it. Then I'll just do another meditation. Or write down my thoughts again. I'll do something that allows me to step back mentally. I'll take the observer's perspective and be as loving to myself as possible.

And the moral of the story? My advice to you?

Today I learned (once again) that it is important to allow emotions. But also how important it is to distance yourself from your own thoughts from time to time. To look at them as objectively as possible. That it is important to deal with your own thoughts, but not to become obsessed with them. identify. And also that articulating your inner dialogue can have an almost cathartic effect.

As cheesy and sentimental as it may sound – if there is one thing I want to leave you with, it is this: “You are enough, you are loved, you are not alone. Don't be so hard on yourself.” And of course: “Take care." ❤️

You can find more articles on the topics of mindfulness and spirituality, environment and sustainability as well as healthy nutrition here.

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash