How I changed 3 years of meditation (part 2)

Almost every day for the past three years, I've sat for a few minutes on the floor, a chair, or my meditation cushion—in silence. What this pause has given me, and what I've lost as a result.

+++ Click here for part 1 +++

Who can manage to stay for minutes nothing to think?

That's what I thought every single time after my first attempts at meditation. Am I doing something wrong? Why do I think so much? What else should be in my head if not thoughts? It took me a while to understand that meditation isn't about not thinking about anything, but rather about continually returning to the present moment. And I also realized that meditation can be quite strenuous. Meditation requires a great deal of focus. Letting your mind wander is easy; constantly interrupting your train of thought requires a bit more effort. And concentration.

What's all this for?

At this point, one might ask oneself why one meditates. What is the end goal? What are you trying to achieve? What do you hope will happen? In Part 1 of this blog article I've already written a bit about my personal motivation for meditating. I was primarily fascinated by the idea of clearing my head and no longer harboring such an excessive carousel of thoughts. Of course, I had heard about the positive effects meditation can have on a physical and psychological level. But I wasn't interested in achieving these things; I didn't have an end goal or any particular expectations for meditation.

I think that's also the reason why I'm now so convinced of the practice of meditation: I expected nothing and received a great deal. Ultimately, however, I lost even more through meditation than I gained. More on that later.

Every beginning is difficult

At the beginning of my meditation experience, I couldn't quite imagine that anything could change within me. I couldn't even imagine that the distance between my thoughts would increase. But that's exactly what happened. With increasing practice, the gap between the fragments of thought became shorter, and I was able to "pause" my thoughts and refocus on the here and now more quickly and frequently.

Even sitting still was very difficult for me at first. My arm itched, my legs fell asleep, or I couldn't concentrate on anything other than the tension in my neck. I was very impatient and often found myself wanting to just get up and get on with my day. It wasn't uncommon for me to mentally run through my to-do list for the day or think about what to buy or cook for dinner. Especially on days when important things were happening and I was already nervous, I felt like the meditation practice was pointless because I couldn't concentrate on it anyway...

It's worth it to follow through

All of these things still happen sometimes today. But instead of getting lost in these feelings and thoughts, I've now managed to look at my experiences non-judgmentally. I let everything pass by and try as best I can to remain in the observer's perspective.

And now I also know that every time I meditate has been worth it. Especially in the long run. I feel like I've strengthened my brain, like a muscle you train through exercise. All the positive changes I've increasingly noticed in my daily life and within myself are based on the long-term and consistent practice of meditation. As with many other things, practice makes perfect.

Yes, it requires perseverance and patience. Yes, sometimes meditation can be tiring or frustrating. Yes, sometimes you are tired and don't feel like it. But noI definitely wouldn't want to miss meditation anymore. It really pays off. Sometimes I'm still surprised at how much my body and mind can benefit from something as "simple" as meditation.

(Small disclaimer: I realize that I can't say with 100 percent certainty that the positive changes described below are all due to meditation. After all, I haven't conducted a scientific study that takes confounding variables and other influencing factors into account. During these three years, I've changed several things in my life and grown as a person. So, it's entirely possible that some of these effects were not, or only partially, due to meditation. However, it feels to me as if all of these things are positive side effects of meditation. Furthermore, every experience with meditation is individual and can't be directly compared. Every "case" is unique. So, I just wanted to say that briefly. ☺️)

What I won

Here is a brief list of the things meditation has given me:

Inner peace, patience, tolerance, self-love, lightness, focus, better body awareness.

I feel more balanced. I have more patience with myself and those around me. I'm not as judgmental as I used to be, but rather try to first perceive my feelings or what other people say without immediately judging or condemning them. I approach myself with more openness, understanding, and love. This is a really big point for me, because I had a hard time with it for a long time. By meditating daily, I feel more carefree; as if I can handle all tasks with more ease. Regarding focus, I have to say that I've always been one of those people who can concentrate on one thing for a long time. But I still have the impression that this has gotten even stronger.

I hadn't expected to be more aware of my body's signals. But it feels SO GOOD to feel my own body more clearly. To perceive my body's signals earlier and more strongly. I now notice immediately when a feeling arises within me. I'm also now able to interpret and assess my body's signals better.

What I lost

Here is a short list of the things I lost through meditation:

Feelings of stress, anxiety, racing thoughts, quick irritability, negative thoughts, insecurity, difficulty falling asleep.

Although this list is not longer in quantitative terms than the previous one, it is more important to me in qualitative terms.

Compared to other people, I get stressed pretty easily.I'm also a rather anxious person and tend to worry easily. Meditation has helped me get all of this under control. While I can't claim to be completely stress-resistant and free of any anxiety, I do notice that I'm getting better at dealing with these things.

Of course, the list of things I've lost goes hand in hand with the things meditation has given me. The ability to switch into non-judgmental observer mode more often and more quickly also leads to being less consumed by fears and worries.

I can let go of recurring thoughts more quickly; simply let them pass by without getting caught up in them. I don't get irritated and annoyed as easily because I don't immediately relate the events around me to myself and can view them more objectively. I'm much more in the here and now and, as a result, have fewer (negative) thoughts and worries overall. I trust myself more and am no longer as insecure because I've learned to interpret my body's signals.

The last major thing that's changed for me is my almost nonexistent difficulty falling asleep. I used to lie awake for hours in the evening, mulling over one thought after another. I would worry, think about my future or the past. I can let all of that go even more quickly. Instead, I focus on my breathing, on my body, on the sensations I feel in each moment. And hey presto, I'm asleep. 😴